Expectations can be a bugger to deal with – especially our own. We put so much pressure on ourselves with “should” and “shouldn’t”s. They fill us with guilt and shame and constantly make us feel like we’re not good enough.
Add to that the extra considerations of chronic pain and it’s easy to end up making things worse. We force ourselves to do too much and ramp up our pain levels. Especially on ‘good’ days – we know we’re limited as to how long the ‘good’ will last and we try to cram as much into that time as possible. That inevitably leads to a flare up and we’re back to doing very little and feeling useless again, this time with the added torture of knowing we’d done it to ourselves!
So how can we stop it?
Give yourself a break and be realistic with your expectations
When things get bad and you feel like you’re letting yourself and others down, when all those “should and shouldn’ts” are destroying your self esteem, take a step back and look at it from a slightly detached perspective.
This isn’t always an easy task but try this…
Imagine it is a close friend or loved one who is the one with chronic pain. They’re facing all the obstacles and challenges that you face, and they’re saying all the things you’re feeling:
- That they should be able to do more
- That they’re letting people down
- That they’re a burden or of no use to anyone
All the things that little voice in your head throws at you when you’re having a hard time.
What would you say to them? Would you agree? Would you tell them they’re right?
Or would you tell them:
- That they shouldn’t feel guilty?
- That they’re doing their best?
- That other people’s opinions don’t matter?
- That under the circumstances they’re doing a great job and you’re proud of how they’ve coped?
- That you see them battling, trying to do things that no one in their position would be able to do and that it’s ok for them to ask for help or to need a break?
We often find it so easy to be compassionate to others but we need to feel it for ourselves too, especially when we’re dealing with chronic pain day in day out. Easier said than done I know, but you’re doing your best and that’s all you “should” ever expect of yourself!
While were not all lucky enough to have people in our lives who understand our struggles, having the peace of mind to know ourselves that we’re doing the absolute best we can do can help us to better cope with our limitations.
So give yourself permission to pace your days, to not push yourself until you’re ready to drop, to not have the unrealistic expectations that drive you to overdo things on “good” days and end up knocking yourself off your feet for days as a result.
By shifting your perspective you can avoid the emotional struggles caused by denial and start working towards a realistic program to improving your quality of life, and your experience of life.
Let go of – “I can’t do x, y, and z because I’m not good enough”.
Embrace – “Despite my challenges I am able to……”
Expect less and be more!