I struggled for 3 whole years after my injury. I felt… well… I felt everything, and I felt nothing. All at the same time. I was scared my mobility would get worse; I was thankful that I had family around me and that my husband was so amazing throughout the whole nightmare; I felt hopeless some days; I felt positive some days – although they were usually followed by a minor setback that sent me spiralling into deeper despair. Then there were days when I felt nothing; I was nothing but a zombie, no joy, no personality, no fight. But what I felt more than anything else was grief.
I grieved for the person I used to be, for the job I’d loved so much, for the plans for the future that would now most likely (from my negative viewpoint) never happen. I just couldn’t let it go, and the more people tried to tell me to move on, the harder it seemed to become. Everywhere I went there were reminders slapping me in the face – someone from one of the classes I taught; songs from my old work playlists. There was no escape… No relief from my misery – not for me and certainly not for my family. And of course that led me to the guilt. Was I making the people closest to me feel like they weren’t enough for me? Why couldn’t I stop being so selfish? Why did I keep pushing my loved ones away, even though they clearly didn’t have any problem with the ‘new’ me? I couldn’t see an end to it.
Then one day on Facebook I came across a post that summed it all up so perfectly – and I instantly felt the cloud start to lift. It wasn’t just me! I’d never heard anyone talking about it before, let alone describing it so succinctly. And just knowing that it was something so common amongst other people in similar situations meant I could let go of the guilt, acknowledge my loss, and finally, eventually, start to draw a line under it and find a way of looking forward again. I found Accessible Yoga and started to practice again, I meditate everyday, and I started to feel like me again. A different me, but undoubtedly me. After a year or so I’d regained enough confidence to start retraining as a teacher, and the rest, as they say, is history.
Now I’m in a good place again, and I know that I can use what I went through as a positive thing. If I can help someone get back to their happy place a little sooner than they otherwise would, enable them to feel understood, or see that there is hope for their future, that they can find a way to accept and be content with who they are – then it’s all been worthwhile. I know you can do it too. And for as long as I’m here, know that you are not alone ????
Thanks for reading ????
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